Genesis
Se são do tipo que considera tudo uma heresia... não leiam isto, e não se incomodem a chatear-me. Eu já tenho reserva no inferno há bastante tempo.
Retirado daqui.
Genesis
By Andrew D. Charlton
In the beginning, God called the Archangel Gabriel into his office.
"LET THERE BE LIGHT" He said.
"Doable," Gabriel said, rubbing his chin. "What kind of light do you want?"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
"Well, for example, you might want light to be a wave, or perhaps it could be a particle."
"A WAVE OR A PARTICLE?"
"Those are pretty much the options, Sir."
"I SHALL HAVE BOTH."
"Both? Are you sure-?"
"I AM YOUR GOD!"
"I'm just wondering if you've thought this through, is all. I mean, I'm sure that's gonna cause a whole bunch of problems later on."
"I SAID: LET THERE BE LIGHT!"
"Okay, okay, no need to get tetchy about it. Oh, there's one more thing before I go: How fast do you want it to go?"
"I THINK THREE HUNDRED MILLION METRES PER SECOND OUGHT TO DO IT."
"Right," he said, noting this down on his clipboard, "And that's relative to the light source, right?"
"NO."
"No?"
"NO. RELATIVE TO EVERYTHING."
"Sir?"
"YES?"
"May I go now? I think I'm getting a migraine."
"YES, YOU MAY GO. LET THERE BE LIGHT - I WANT IT DONE BY TONIGHT."
"There is no tonight."
"WHEN YOU'VE MADE THE LIGHT, DIVIDE IT FROM THE DARKNESS. I SHALL CALL THE DARKNESS NIGHT AND THE LIGHT DAY."
"Alright," said Gabriel, and gave a half-hearted salute, and let himself out.
God leaned back on his La-Z-Cloud, and said, "NOTHING LIKE A GOOD DAYS WORK"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Look, I didn't think of this, I'm just following orders!" screamed Gabriel at the cowering Light Technician 1st Class, waving his hands wildly.
"All I'm saying," said the technician, "is the only way we can make light go the same speed from every frame of reference is to warp space-time. Old Mother Nature spent hours weaving the fabric of space-time, and I don't want to be the one to tell her what we're gonna do to it."
"Just do your best, okay? I'll tell her."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God looked upon the light, and saw that it was good.
"THAT'S QUITE GOOD," He said to Gabriel.
"The boys worked all day on it. They're very proud."
"PRIDE IS A SIN."
"Sorry. Um, you remember that Big Bang, when the light was created?"
"YES. MY EARS ARE STILL RINGING!"
"Well, it's had a rather odd side effect. The engineers down at the lab have analysed it. They call it Time."
"WHAT DOES IT DO?"
"Apparently it keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future."
"OH DEAR. THAT SOUNDS DANGEROUS. CAN WE GET RID OF IT?"
"We've tried everything. It won't go away."
"ALRIGHT. JUST LEAVE IT FOR NOW. WE'LL SEE WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT LATER ON."
And the evening and the morning were the first day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God said, "LET THERE BE FIRMAMENT IN THE MIDST OF THE WATERS, AND LET IT DIVIDE THE WATERS FROM THE WATERS."
"That seems unnecessarily cryptic."
"JUST DO IT!"
"Say, that's a good saying. I like it."
"ACTUALLY, I GOT IT FROM ONE OF THE GREEK GODS. NIKE, I THINK IT WAS."
Gabriel backed out of God's study, and God smiled to himself.
"WE'D BETTER GET THIS DONE QUICKLY, I HAVE A FISHING TRIP PLANNED FOR SATURDAY."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Okay," said Gabriel to the gathered crowd of workmen, "here's what we're gonna do. There's still a bunch of left over light from yesterday, so what I propose to do is take some of that and condense it all together and make some planets and stars and galaxies, and stuff."
"Sorry, did I hear you right?" said one worker, "Did you say we're going to make planets out of light?"
"Look, we're overstock on light and we have to get rid of it somehow."
"But isn't that kind of like making matter out of energy?"
"Exactly! It's one of the most brilliant ideas I've ever had! Now get to work!" the grumbling crowd began to disperse. As they left, Gabriel heard one grumble,
"Does he realise how much energy it's going to take to make even a tiny amount of matter?"
And the evening and the morning were the second day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"ALRIGHT," said God, "I HAVE BIG PLANS FOR TODAY."
"What did you have in mind, Sir?"
"LET THE WATERS UNDER THE HEAVEN BE GATHERED TOGETHER UNTO ONE PLACE, AND LET THE DRY LAND APPEAR."
"Righty ho, Sir," said Gabriel, giving a little bow, and excusing himself.
As he left, God added, "GET THAT DONE BY LUNCHTIME. I HAVE MORE FOR YOU TO DO."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The assembled crowds milled about some more, as they looked up at Gabriel on the podium, wondering what today's work would be.
"Listen up, people!" he said, clapping his hands to get their attention, "The Big Guy wants a place with seas and continents. Now, I want ideas!"
"I know this is a long shot," spoke up one, "but what I thought was we could take a planet. Just any boring old planet, say that one, perhaps" he said, pointing vaguely at the Universe Blueprints, "And then what we do is we make the whole planet out of hot melted rock except..."
"Would you check out this guy?" said a woman in the crowd to her friend, "He sounds like a loony to me."
"...except on the top we have a thin... crust, yes, that's it, a crust of rock floating on top - all in small pieces - plates if you will. And all these plates will crash together and slide together, and we'll have great looking continents and seas!"
"It'll never work," yelled someone.
"Do it." Said Gabriel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"AHH, GOOD. SO THE CONTINENTS AND SEAS ARE COMING ALONG OKAY?"
"They're coming along nicely, Sir. Currently we only have one continent, but that should be splitting up into many little bits very soon. Now what else did you want us to do today?"
"I WANT PLANTS. I THINK THEY SHOULD BE GREEN. I LIKE GREEN."
"Well, we've been working on that, and I think you're going to like what we came up with." He called out into the hallway: "Send it in!"
A bucket was passed to Gabriel, and he showed the slimy green contents to God, and beamed proudly.
"We call it algae. We have six billion tons of the stuff ready to dump into the sea."
"IT'S A BIT... GROSS, ISN'T IT?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the evening and the morning were the third day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I WANT YOU TO PUT SOME LIGHTS IN THE SKY."
"Sure, sure, we can do that. We can use one of those stars we made on Monday."
"I WANT TWO."
"Two? That's gonna be tricky... What's the second one for?"
"I DON'T WANT IT TO GET TOO DARK AT NIGHT."
"Why not? You're not afraid of the dark, are you?"
"CERTAINLY NOT!" fumed God, defensively.
"Right, okay, we can't put another star there - we're already way over budget on stars - but we do have a few small planets still in stock - we could get a shiny one to reflect the light from the sun. Perhaps Sir would care to look at a few?"
Gabriel produced a catalogue, and God leafed through it for a while. Eventually, he came to a decision.
"THAT ONE," he said, pointing at his choice.
"That one? It's a bit... big isn't it? I mean compared to the size of the Earth it's huge. If we're not careful, that things gonna make Earth lose most of its atmosphere."
"I GROW WEARY OF YOUR CONSTANT QUESTIONING OF MY WILL."
"Yes Sir. Sorry, Sir."
Gabriel left the Lord's office, and dispatched the crews to hoist the Sun and Moon into place. And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabriel walked into God's office the next morning full of enthusiasm, arms full of plans and sketches.
"THESE ARE THE PLANS FOR THE FISH AND FOWL?"
"Yup," said Gabriel, smugly, handing the plans to God, "I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."
God looked through the great piles of drawings, growing ever more excited.
"OH DEAR, THEY'RE ALL SO GREAT! I CAN'T DECIDE!"
"We were kind of hoping you could decide quite quickly. The lads worked late last night on these plans - everyone chipped in a few ideas. We thought we could populate the oceans and knock off early."
"YES, THEY HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD, HAVEN'T THEY? TELL THEM I AM PLEASED."
"So, your final decision?"
"NO, THIS IS NO GOOD, I JUST CAN'T CHOOSE BETWEEN THEM. PUT THEM ALL IN THERE - LET THEM FIGHT IT OUT AMONGST THEMSELVES. THE BEST ONES WILL MAKE IT, I'M SURE."
"Survival of the Fittest, style of thing?"
"THAT'S THE TICKET."
And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabriel hurtled into God's office the next morning in a panic.
"Sir, Sir, it's all going horribly wrong! The fish are changing - mutating. And the new fish are eating the old fish."
"OH DEAR, THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE."
"That's not the worst part, Sir. Some of the fish have sprouted legs, and they're walking all over the land."
"BUT THERE'S NOTHING TO EAT ON THE LAND."
"It's the algae, Sir. It's mutated too, and started growing on the land! My lovely continents are covered in this horrible green stuff!"
"WELL, THIS IS ACTUALLY GOOD NEWS."
"It is, Sir?"
"YES, I WAS GOING TO GET YOU TO ADD CREATURES ON THE LAND TODAY ANYWAY. THIS GIVES YOU MORE TIME TO CONCENTRATE ON THE OTHER TASK I HAVE FOR YOU TODAY."
"What's that?"
"MAN. CREATE HIM IN MY IMAGE."
Gabriel screwed up his face, trying to imagine hundreds of white-haired old men running about over the Earth.
"Hmm," he mused out loud, pulling out some of the most recent drawings, "One of these walking fish does look a _bit_ like you, Sir." He said, handing a picture to God.
God's face reddened,
"YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE A MONKEY?!?"
"It's not a monkey, it's an ape, Sir. I only said there was a resemblance. Two arms, two legs, that kind of thing. We'll modify it, of course. Remove all that hair, for a start. Get it to walk upright. The head will be too big to fit through the birth canal, walking upright will give them all back problems, and removing the hair will probably give them horrible trouble with chafing, but if you want something in your own image, then I'll deliver... You just wait 'till you see the final result before you judge."
"ALRIGHT, BUT IF I DON'T LIKE THEM, I CAN WIPE THEM OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH?"
"Of course, Sir."
"RIGHT. I'M SHAGGED, I'M GOING FISHING. GIVE ALL THE BOYS THE DAY OFF TOMORROW."
"Sir, I don't really like to mention this, but our contract says two days off a week minimum."
"WHATEVER."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monday morning, God returned carrying a bunch of fish.
"I say, Sir, Good catch!"
"YES, I THINK THEY'RE RATHER NICE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE CALLED?"
"I think those are called Blue Whales, Sir." * Editor's note. A whale is not a fish. It's an insect. (c) Peter Cook, circa 1965
"GOOD GOOD. HOW'S EARTH GOING?"
"Take a look for yourself, Sir." Gabriel indicated a swirling hole in the clouds on the floor. God crouched down and looked down at the cities of humanity, and all that they had done. He looked at Gabriel, sniffed, looked down at the Earth again, sniffed again.
"IT'S BUGGERED, ISN'T IT?"
"I fear so, Sir."
"HAVE IT DESTROYED."
"Nah, Sir, leave them be. They're not hurting anyone but themselves."
"VERY WELL. SHALL WE START AGAIN? GET ME A FRESH UNIVERSE FROM MY SOCK DRAWER WOULD YOU?"
"There you go, Sir."
"RIGHT." He said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT."
"Very good, Sir. Would that be a particle or a wave?"
God patted him on the shoulder and grinned, "I THINK THIS TIME I WILL TRY A WAVE."
THE END
Retirado daqui.
Genesis
By Andrew D. Charlton
In the beginning, God called the Archangel Gabriel into his office.
"LET THERE BE LIGHT" He said.
"Doable," Gabriel said, rubbing his chin. "What kind of light do you want?"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
"Well, for example, you might want light to be a wave, or perhaps it could be a particle."
"A WAVE OR A PARTICLE?"
"Those are pretty much the options, Sir."
"I SHALL HAVE BOTH."
"Both? Are you sure-?"
"I AM YOUR GOD!"
"I'm just wondering if you've thought this through, is all. I mean, I'm sure that's gonna cause a whole bunch of problems later on."
"I SAID: LET THERE BE LIGHT!"
"Okay, okay, no need to get tetchy about it. Oh, there's one more thing before I go: How fast do you want it to go?"
"I THINK THREE HUNDRED MILLION METRES PER SECOND OUGHT TO DO IT."
"Right," he said, noting this down on his clipboard, "And that's relative to the light source, right?"
"NO."
"No?"
"NO. RELATIVE TO EVERYTHING."
"Sir?"
"YES?"
"May I go now? I think I'm getting a migraine."
"YES, YOU MAY GO. LET THERE BE LIGHT - I WANT IT DONE BY TONIGHT."
"There is no tonight."
"WHEN YOU'VE MADE THE LIGHT, DIVIDE IT FROM THE DARKNESS. I SHALL CALL THE DARKNESS NIGHT AND THE LIGHT DAY."
"Alright," said Gabriel, and gave a half-hearted salute, and let himself out.
God leaned back on his La-Z-Cloud, and said, "NOTHING LIKE A GOOD DAYS WORK"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Look, I didn't think of this, I'm just following orders!" screamed Gabriel at the cowering Light Technician 1st Class, waving his hands wildly.
"All I'm saying," said the technician, "is the only way we can make light go the same speed from every frame of reference is to warp space-time. Old Mother Nature spent hours weaving the fabric of space-time, and I don't want to be the one to tell her what we're gonna do to it."
"Just do your best, okay? I'll tell her."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God looked upon the light, and saw that it was good.
"THAT'S QUITE GOOD," He said to Gabriel.
"The boys worked all day on it. They're very proud."
"PRIDE IS A SIN."
"Sorry. Um, you remember that Big Bang, when the light was created?"
"YES. MY EARS ARE STILL RINGING!"
"Well, it's had a rather odd side effect. The engineers down at the lab have analysed it. They call it Time."
"WHAT DOES IT DO?"
"Apparently it keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future."
"OH DEAR. THAT SOUNDS DANGEROUS. CAN WE GET RID OF IT?"
"We've tried everything. It won't go away."
"ALRIGHT. JUST LEAVE IT FOR NOW. WE'LL SEE WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT LATER ON."
And the evening and the morning were the first day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God said, "LET THERE BE FIRMAMENT IN THE MIDST OF THE WATERS, AND LET IT DIVIDE THE WATERS FROM THE WATERS."
"That seems unnecessarily cryptic."
"JUST DO IT!"
"Say, that's a good saying. I like it."
"ACTUALLY, I GOT IT FROM ONE OF THE GREEK GODS. NIKE, I THINK IT WAS."
Gabriel backed out of God's study, and God smiled to himself.
"WE'D BETTER GET THIS DONE QUICKLY, I HAVE A FISHING TRIP PLANNED FOR SATURDAY."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Okay," said Gabriel to the gathered crowd of workmen, "here's what we're gonna do. There's still a bunch of left over light from yesterday, so what I propose to do is take some of that and condense it all together and make some planets and stars and galaxies, and stuff."
"Sorry, did I hear you right?" said one worker, "Did you say we're going to make planets out of light?"
"Look, we're overstock on light and we have to get rid of it somehow."
"But isn't that kind of like making matter out of energy?"
"Exactly! It's one of the most brilliant ideas I've ever had! Now get to work!" the grumbling crowd began to disperse. As they left, Gabriel heard one grumble,
"Does he realise how much energy it's going to take to make even a tiny amount of matter?"
And the evening and the morning were the second day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"ALRIGHT," said God, "I HAVE BIG PLANS FOR TODAY."
"What did you have in mind, Sir?"
"LET THE WATERS UNDER THE HEAVEN BE GATHERED TOGETHER UNTO ONE PLACE, AND LET THE DRY LAND APPEAR."
"Righty ho, Sir," said Gabriel, giving a little bow, and excusing himself.
As he left, God added, "GET THAT DONE BY LUNCHTIME. I HAVE MORE FOR YOU TO DO."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The assembled crowds milled about some more, as they looked up at Gabriel on the podium, wondering what today's work would be.
"Listen up, people!" he said, clapping his hands to get their attention, "The Big Guy wants a place with seas and continents. Now, I want ideas!"
"I know this is a long shot," spoke up one, "but what I thought was we could take a planet. Just any boring old planet, say that one, perhaps" he said, pointing vaguely at the Universe Blueprints, "And then what we do is we make the whole planet out of hot melted rock except..."
"Would you check out this guy?" said a woman in the crowd to her friend, "He sounds like a loony to me."
"...except on the top we have a thin... crust, yes, that's it, a crust of rock floating on top - all in small pieces - plates if you will. And all these plates will crash together and slide together, and we'll have great looking continents and seas!"
"It'll never work," yelled someone.
"Do it." Said Gabriel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"AHH, GOOD. SO THE CONTINENTS AND SEAS ARE COMING ALONG OKAY?"
"They're coming along nicely, Sir. Currently we only have one continent, but that should be splitting up into many little bits very soon. Now what else did you want us to do today?"
"I WANT PLANTS. I THINK THEY SHOULD BE GREEN. I LIKE GREEN."
"Well, we've been working on that, and I think you're going to like what we came up with." He called out into the hallway: "Send it in!"
A bucket was passed to Gabriel, and he showed the slimy green contents to God, and beamed proudly.
"We call it algae. We have six billion tons of the stuff ready to dump into the sea."
"IT'S A BIT... GROSS, ISN'T IT?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the evening and the morning were the third day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I WANT YOU TO PUT SOME LIGHTS IN THE SKY."
"Sure, sure, we can do that. We can use one of those stars we made on Monday."
"I WANT TWO."
"Two? That's gonna be tricky... What's the second one for?"
"I DON'T WANT IT TO GET TOO DARK AT NIGHT."
"Why not? You're not afraid of the dark, are you?"
"CERTAINLY NOT!" fumed God, defensively.
"Right, okay, we can't put another star there - we're already way over budget on stars - but we do have a few small planets still in stock - we could get a shiny one to reflect the light from the sun. Perhaps Sir would care to look at a few?"
Gabriel produced a catalogue, and God leafed through it for a while. Eventually, he came to a decision.
"THAT ONE," he said, pointing at his choice.
"That one? It's a bit... big isn't it? I mean compared to the size of the Earth it's huge. If we're not careful, that things gonna make Earth lose most of its atmosphere."
"I GROW WEARY OF YOUR CONSTANT QUESTIONING OF MY WILL."
"Yes Sir. Sorry, Sir."
Gabriel left the Lord's office, and dispatched the crews to hoist the Sun and Moon into place. And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabriel walked into God's office the next morning full of enthusiasm, arms full of plans and sketches.
"THESE ARE THE PLANS FOR THE FISH AND FOWL?"
"Yup," said Gabriel, smugly, handing the plans to God, "I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."
God looked through the great piles of drawings, growing ever more excited.
"OH DEAR, THEY'RE ALL SO GREAT! I CAN'T DECIDE!"
"We were kind of hoping you could decide quite quickly. The lads worked late last night on these plans - everyone chipped in a few ideas. We thought we could populate the oceans and knock off early."
"YES, THEY HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD, HAVEN'T THEY? TELL THEM I AM PLEASED."
"So, your final decision?"
"NO, THIS IS NO GOOD, I JUST CAN'T CHOOSE BETWEEN THEM. PUT THEM ALL IN THERE - LET THEM FIGHT IT OUT AMONGST THEMSELVES. THE BEST ONES WILL MAKE IT, I'M SURE."
"Survival of the Fittest, style of thing?"
"THAT'S THE TICKET."
And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gabriel hurtled into God's office the next morning in a panic.
"Sir, Sir, it's all going horribly wrong! The fish are changing - mutating. And the new fish are eating the old fish."
"OH DEAR, THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE."
"That's not the worst part, Sir. Some of the fish have sprouted legs, and they're walking all over the land."
"BUT THERE'S NOTHING TO EAT ON THE LAND."
"It's the algae, Sir. It's mutated too, and started growing on the land! My lovely continents are covered in this horrible green stuff!"
"WELL, THIS IS ACTUALLY GOOD NEWS."
"It is, Sir?"
"YES, I WAS GOING TO GET YOU TO ADD CREATURES ON THE LAND TODAY ANYWAY. THIS GIVES YOU MORE TIME TO CONCENTRATE ON THE OTHER TASK I HAVE FOR YOU TODAY."
"What's that?"
"MAN. CREATE HIM IN MY IMAGE."
Gabriel screwed up his face, trying to imagine hundreds of white-haired old men running about over the Earth.
"Hmm," he mused out loud, pulling out some of the most recent drawings, "One of these walking fish does look a _bit_ like you, Sir." He said, handing a picture to God.
God's face reddened,
"YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE A MONKEY?!?"
"It's not a monkey, it's an ape, Sir. I only said there was a resemblance. Two arms, two legs, that kind of thing. We'll modify it, of course. Remove all that hair, for a start. Get it to walk upright. The head will be too big to fit through the birth canal, walking upright will give them all back problems, and removing the hair will probably give them horrible trouble with chafing, but if you want something in your own image, then I'll deliver... You just wait 'till you see the final result before you judge."
"ALRIGHT, BUT IF I DON'T LIKE THEM, I CAN WIPE THEM OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH?"
"Of course, Sir."
"RIGHT. I'M SHAGGED, I'M GOING FISHING. GIVE ALL THE BOYS THE DAY OFF TOMORROW."
"Sir, I don't really like to mention this, but our contract says two days off a week minimum."
"WHATEVER."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monday morning, God returned carrying a bunch of fish.
"I say, Sir, Good catch!"
"YES, I THINK THEY'RE RATHER NICE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE CALLED?"
"I think those are called Blue Whales, Sir." * Editor's note. A whale is not a fish. It's an insect. (c) Peter Cook, circa 1965
"GOOD GOOD. HOW'S EARTH GOING?"
"Take a look for yourself, Sir." Gabriel indicated a swirling hole in the clouds on the floor. God crouched down and looked down at the cities of humanity, and all that they had done. He looked at Gabriel, sniffed, looked down at the Earth again, sniffed again.
"IT'S BUGGERED, ISN'T IT?"
"I fear so, Sir."
"HAVE IT DESTROYED."
"Nah, Sir, leave them be. They're not hurting anyone but themselves."
"VERY WELL. SHALL WE START AGAIN? GET ME A FRESH UNIVERSE FROM MY SOCK DRAWER WOULD YOU?"
"There you go, Sir."
"RIGHT." He said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT."
"Very good, Sir. Would that be a particle or a wave?"
God patted him on the shoulder and grinned, "I THINK THIS TIME I WILL TRY A WAVE."
THE END
posted by Narcisista at 11/28/2004 05:50:00 da tarde
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