Preserve The Christmas Spirit

Ou o que deviamos estar a ouvir.
(Com uma pequena ajuda)

If I were Jesus and I dropped by one December to see what the human race had learned from my teachings of love, equity and compassion (for which, incidentally, I was rewarded with torture and crucifixion) only to find a ruthlessly accelerating global epidemic of individualism, possessiveness, debauchery and environmental desecration epitomised by a scandalously lurid, psychotically unsustainable, corporate-sponsored extravaganza of decadence —in honour of my BIRTH!— I would probably beg my father to erase every last trace of the criminally insane human species and start all over again with the amoeba.


Is it just me or is there something vaguely appalling about commemorating the birth of an allegedly divine infant (whose life would inspire countless acts of compassion and benevolence) by drowning our offspring in disposable, media-hyped novelties assembled by disposable children forced to toil in slave-labour sweatshops; moreover, paying for the grisly merchandise with currency that embodies a perfectly amoral system of socio-economic exploitation, based on the wickedly devious lies of enlightened self-interest. Yet, somehow, the garish spectacle appears rational and even altruistic because we idiotically believe the psychotic ramblings of economists who are, ostensibly, the real deities of this shameless pretence for civilisation.


Christmas is weird. Not a unique, avant-garde, nonconformist, eccentric, freethinking, unorthodox, quirky, bohemian, revolutionary, perpetually creative kind of weird like you are —but a sort of freakishly hyper-decorated, dementedly elaborate, emotionally incapacitating, disturbingly over-enthusiastic, ominously bloated, annihilate-the-ecosystem-it's-great-for-the-economy kind of weird. Have an appropriately weird Christmas!


Happy Christmas. Time to celebrate the cherished and honourable ideals of universal peace and goodwill by subjecting our unwitting children to a relentless barrage of pathologically devious and distorted advertisements, while aiding and abetting them to compile loathsome testimonials of greed; whereafter —in an effort to finance this delirious spectacle of overindulgence— we borrow trillions from obscenely profitable banks and transfer it to even more unspeakably prosperous global corporations: effectively ensuring their totalitarian conquest over humanity by the time our young have reached adulthood! How appropriate.


Because he's really fed up with God's pathetic incompetence and negligible appreciation of market forces, Monsanto Claus has decided to take over Christmas. Besides, even the WTO has declared the "Creator's" "laws" of nature an unfair trade advantage. But don't fret my perfectly gullible and obedient little one ...Monsanto has some wondrous treats for you —whether you asked for them or not. So, come along —let's savour a lovingly irradiated mug of tumour-accelerating rBGH-nog (sweetened to perfection with asphyxiatingly joyous formaldehyde-enriched Aspartame) and curl up by these glowing canisters of Agent Orange and Malathion nestled in the bosom of Monsanto Claus's armageddonously festive wasteland. As you see, it's been carefully trimmed with jolly cross-pollinating Roundup-basted soybean garlands and twinkling orbs of genetically-profaned crop-thingies for the occasion. Now, let's join voices in soon-to-be-traditional, government-issued carols of greenwashing, biopiracy, privatised water and terminator technology. And remember —thanks to PCBs, there's already a bit of Monsanto's magic in us all!


Any Messiah with a shred of personal integrity would be mortified if a sinister and sensationalistic commotion such as Christmas occurred on their behalf. Imagine the humiliation of having the sum-total of your celestial wisdom profaned into the form of a fictitious, surveilling, bearded troll whose sole purpose (as western emissary for materialism) was to corrupt children into becoming corporatist/brand-loyalty zealots by bribing them with piles of meaningless, gaudy trinkets. Therefore, on behalf of grossly misrepresented deities everywhere, I wish you the supportive kinship and spiritual strength to permanently eradicate this vacuous, angst-ridden circus of selfishness from your Holiday Season.


Some people think Christmas is about Jesus while others maintain a focus on the spirit of giving. Christ knew a great deal about the spirit of giving; in fact, he may have been one of its greatest proponents, particularly regarding the ethical distribution of wealth and resources. What he unequivocally would NOT have advocated is the exchange of wildly excessive and extravagant gifts among already privileged people, bred and socialised for self-indulgence, covetousness, insatiability, ingratitude and egocentrism. Imagine how different the season might be if they had to sit on Jesus' lap to justify their petty Christmas wish lists every year!